All of the information contained in this article is very useful and practical when applied to your arguments, but all the good advice in the world becomes useless if the situation it is designed for mutates into something entirely different. I am talking, of course, about fights, and there is a difference between an argument and a fight. The objective of a fight is to win rather than to resolve – facts, the truth and the common good be damned.
When fighting, the object of attack is the other person and not their ideas. As a result, communication becomes impossible and both parties spiral ever deeper and deeper into their own respective corners almost purely as a defense mechanism. There is no thought given to ethics, logic or good form – a fight is based on pure feelings alone, and the objective may wind up being to hurt the other person as much as possible.
So it’s really important to learn how to identify when an argument is about to become a fight, with the purpose of halting that devolution and steering things back to a more constructive realm. We can break a fight down into three stages, and there are ways we can prevent things from getting worse in each of them.
Stage 1: Touching a nerve
This can happen during a regular argument or even apropos of nothing: someone says or does something that hits close to the other person’s feelings. Whether it’s something that gets on their nerves, something that brings up unpleasant memories or touches on one of their insecurities, the offended party takes this as an attack and respond in kind – and so the descent begins.
At this point it’s still relatively easy to stop things devolving into a full-on row. First of all, when someone touches a nerve don’t indulge the visceral reaction you feel by reacting immediately. Take a deep breath and consider your reaction: is it really warranted, and where is it going to lead? Sometimes, no reaction is necessary at all, but if it is, react in a way that is reasoned and not in a way that will hurt the other person’s feelings in turn.
On the other side of the issue, it can so happen that your actions are the ones that touch a nerve. Be diligent in trying not to push the other person’s buttons and take into account how they have reacted in the past. If there is an issue that might cause the other person to take offense that MUST be addressed, or an action that absolutely must be taken, try your best to address it with tact. Make it absolutely clear that you do not mean to offend, and this way you can ensure that their response will be similarly reasonable.
Stage 2: Escalation into full-blown warfare
A barb is returned with another barb, and the offended’s perception of being attacked is vindicated. As a result, they return with another barb in turn, and the other party does the same – and so on and so on. Neither party takes any time to think about what they are saying, and they both interrupt and talk over each other – no one’s really taking the time to listen. One party begins to raise their voice and the other does the same in an attempt to be heard. It becomes sort of a competition of who can be louder than the other. As the matter at hand becomes exhausted, other issues that have nothing at all to do with it are dragged up in an attempt simply to find ammo to use against each other, and as a last resort threats begin to be hurled back and forth.
Early on it may still be possible to bring the exchange back into the realm of constructive argument. First of all, try to slow things down. Don’t interrupt the other party, no matter how much you have a burning point you need to send their way. Let them finish, and pause before answering. Refrain from answering a raised voice by being louder in turn – you can actually achieve the opposite of the loudness war by using a calm voice yourself, making the other party bring theirs down in response.
Try to understand the other person’s point of view by putting yourself in their shoes. Why are they reacting the way they are? Also try to see things the way a non-interested observer would see them. This will help you stay grounded and not take things too personally. If things go beyond the point of no return – things are getting too heated or you are failing to calm yourself or the other person down, then it may be necessary to just pull the plug altogether. Call a time-out or just refuse to continue to engage. You might still be able to come back to the issue to discuss it reasonably at a future date, or you and the other party may realize that the issue was not worth arguing about at all.
Stage 3: The aftermath
Despite our best efforts and all the knowledge in the world, it is still possible to find ourselves having run the full gauntlet of a fight. We are still creatures of instinct, and sometimes that instinct overcomes our reason and we come out the other end having said things we regret and asking ourselves “why did I do that?” Someone will have said something so hurtful that there could be no recovery from it in that moment.
Once this point is reached, there is nothing else to do except try to pick up the pieces and reconcile with the other party. While pride makes it difficult to admit our own error, it’s up to you to take the first steps at mending things by admitting to your own wrong in the matter. Doing this can spur the other party to also do the same, and once that happens things are well on their way to normalizing again. Discuss what went wrong with the other party and try to find ways to avoid it happening again.
In a neutral setting, long after the dust has settled, bring up the tips in this article and try to get the other person to read it – avoid naming any specific instances when they could have benefited from it – just tell them how you have learned and grown and let them take it from there.
If you find yourself fighting often with someone, it could be the sign of something deeper going on either in you, them or your relationship in general. Consider seeking professional help both alone and together to root out these issues and resolve them.
In conclusion
Effecting the change you want to see begins with you – expecting others to change first will never get anything done. When you choose to forge the path ahead, others will soon follow.
This requires putting aside ego and pride, something which is very difficult to do. The benefits that come from it, however, are truly well-worth the sacrifice.
