Try as you may to be proactive and prevent arguments from occurring, you will still probably find full-blown arguments occur from time to time. It’s important to realize that when dealing with a confrontational argument in full swing, you need to change tactics. Prevention may be better than cure, but it won’t deal with an epidemic.
Firstly, learn how to calm yourself. Even if you are wise enough to know how to defuse an argument, you can’t apply this knowledge if you are livid yourself. Even if you are inwardly fuming, learn how to present a cool demeanor. Being calm in an argument will allow you to be rational and analytical, giving you more control over the conversation and the ability to navigate to calmer waters.
Relaxation techniques that you can apply in the moment, such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation can help, but most importantly you need to understand that you can control your emotions. You can choose to be angry and feed your anger or you can choose to take steps to let yourself and the other person cool-off. In the worst case scenario, all you must do is communicate that you need time to calm down and consider what is being said rationally. It’s better if you imply that you need time to calm down, rather than the other person, as this might irritate them more.
If you decide to try and diffuse the argument head-on, it can help to use affirmation to let the other person know you are listening to them – repeat and summarize the main points the other person has said. Simply saying I understand that you are feeling x or y, or that you appreciate their point will minimize the frustration they feel from not being heard. It can also indirectly shame the other person into controlling their behavior – by putting the first foot forward and trying to respectfully engage with the other person, the other person can realize they are being too aggressive and angry and reign in their emotions too.
Communicate where you agree with the other person and where you disagree. By establishing what shared ground is and what is contentious, you allow the argument to move forward into purely constructive territory. Instead of lingering and ruminating over points and issues that are already resolved, you and the other person can focus on the issues that remain.
Even if you can’t agree on the exact method or resolution proposed, it can be useful to show agreement in value and opinion. You might not agree with the exact housework schedule, for example, but you can still communicate that you appreciate tidiness and cleanliness. By communicating that you both share the same sentiment, even if you have different ideas about how to resolve this feeling, you create an atmosphere where both parties work on finding a solution, rather than expressing frustration.
Similarly, if the other person does manage to convince you of a certain point or idea, communicate this. Even if the argument has been frustrating, the end result can feel positive and uplifting if the other person feels like progress has been made. Furthermore, this positivity will lead to calmer debate and conversation in the future; the other person will realize they don’t need to be aggressive and angry, but they can convince you of their ideas through communicating well. In fact, it can be useful to concede on some minor issues in order to get this feeling flowing.
Also, try to think in terms of solutions to the problems being raised. Realize that even if you disagree, the other person is raising points and issues because they feel like it is important to them. Therefore even if you don’t particularly agree or value their ideas by themselves, you should be able to respect these ideas because they are important to the other person, who is important to you.
As a result, even if you disagree, finding a solution to how the other person is feeling is often more tactful than trying to push aside their feelings. Often the possible solutions to a raised problem will not be that difficult to implement. Consider dividing responsibilities, sharing resources, scheduling time, compromising and so on.
In debates about politics, spiritual beliefs or what is considered ‘true’ you might have to take a different approach. If possible, state ways you could be convinced of the other view, or what would have to happen for you to change your mind. This can put the emphasis on the other person to prove a fact or make a concrete point, which in turn put you in a position where you might have to adapt your ideas.
At worst you can agree to disagree, although it’s important to try and be open-minded. Remember it’s possible to be open-minded whilst still having a strong opinion; being open-minded isn’t about changing your opinion easily, but rather having the ability to entertain ideas that differ from your own. If you can’t even conceive of how or why someone else is thinking a certain way, then you may be struggling to be open-minded.
You can also re-affirm the respect you have between each other. Noting that a belief or an idea is important to you, even the other person doesn’t agree with it, can make your opposition realize that sometimes having an argument isn’t fruitful, necessary or even worth it to begin with.
